Posted by: Mad Lamb | 19/07/2012

Thought process

Finding replacing my personal journal with a public blog harder than I thought. It’s not so much the topics but trying not to sound too self-righteous.

When I write in my personal journal the thoughts are forming as I note them so I am understanding myself as well as the issue at hand. The faith is developed in the raw.

However, by the time I get to a computer to enter the blog, the thoughts have mostly formed and are often in the next phase of processing where I’m trying to work out the validity of what I think and how that would appear to others. It also means that they prove to be quite lengthy.

So I’m hoping that I can write these blogs with more speed and less fluidity but accept they still may not be a brief as I anticipated. Please bear with me as I bed into writing these blogs.

Our house sale is still in limbo and likely to be for the next month or so as our vendors go on an undisclosed three-week holiday at the beginning of August. To be fair they did say they’re happy to rent so our purchase can go through without waiting for them to buy too. Swings and roundabouts!

This brings a slim possibility of getting the searches done and papers signed before they leave so when they return we can have access to the property at the end of August. However this tension has been a real test of my faith in God’s provision. Though I must admit I was on the brink of failing that test as I stressed about them disappearing on holiday. It was here that I was able to reflect on the various thought processes I’ve had over the last few days that have never made to the blog on the day.

I’ve been thinking about how to embrace the idea of living in abandonment of God. Accepting the confidence in Him that he offers. For many years I’ve allowed myself to live in a shadow of fear – of what people say and whether I can do what I profess – amongst others. On the other hand, I’m always wary of appearing too confident or unbearably smug so it’s harder to adopt than it may appear. However, I have been taking more positive steps – at work and home to be more confident in the skills I have. This has been helped with the extra energy provided by the steroids treating my arthritis.

Although I must admit that, with my husband starting on a new academic adventure and the University swarming with graduation ceremonies this week, I had been moping a bit on the fact that my school education was not supported in the way current students are and didn’t achieve as well as I now know I’m capable of.  This tied in with a reading of an old dream journal of mine where I now recognised that many of the repeating characters and situations related to things I felt I failed in.

The next day I arrived at work to find that our implementation of a new software package had been recognised at the supplier’s User Conference the night before and later a large chunky glass statue was on  my desk. It’s funny how God likes to challenge our perceptions of ourselves! I thought I was a failure, so God brought me an Award!

So back to the house sale… success would appear to be to get what we want – to be in the new house by the end of August. However, the practicalities for our vendors make that unlikely. The risk is that we put pressure on them to make a decision that suits us or to veil the threat of pulling out of the sale. Do we become hard and cold in the desire not to move twice in as many months?

In all this ebb and flow – nip and tuck – a while back we had been approached by relatives of a friend that we could stay with them if we needed short-term accommodation. They accepted  it may be us, loads of boxes and a cat but were willing to offer us a roof. In our self-reliance we parked that offer assuming we could get this all to work in our favour. Now we are being challenged by our sense of fairness not to press for such a quick entry and the words abandonment and confidence are hover over us again.

So here we are ready to accept that success is not in getting what we want but to be the people of God we want to be. That isn’t being self-righteous or insisting on having a control on what’s happening to us but learning to live in confidence of abandoning ourselves to God’s provision – who  knows it might even be an enjoyable experience!

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