Posted by: Mad Lamb | 18/06/2013

Looking up

I’ve been a bit of a spiritual desert for the last two months. Having taken some hope from Exodus, I’ve been emphasising with Job and agreeing with Ecclesiastes along the way.

I’ve theorised about why God hasn’t enabled me to get a job more locally, why my illness takes so much out of me, even questioned if my faith is real and God is to be trusted. I have got tired of people offering hope with sickly scripture quotes and felt the lowest I have for several years. Yet I feel unable to turn my back on God and all that he has meant to me over my life.

Three sessions of physio, provided by my work Occupational Health service, has helped me feel more positive and provided me with evidence and exercise to give me the confidence that I should be working through the stiffness, tentativeness and lethargy.

However, I have got the place again when my Bible notes aren’t connecting with my current circumstances. When sorting through the books by my bed, I rediscovered a Personal Rule I developed last time I found Bible notes were no longer enough to feed me.

This ‘Personal Rule’ was prompted by a recent theological course I had attended and a couple of books recommended by my husband, who was studying for an MA in spirituality at the time. This Rule is not meant to be a stick to beat yourself with, but a measure where you could check your faith. I also used it as a place to keep references to scripture and hymns I found helpful. I also wrote prayers and poems reflecting my mood.

I decided to type up this hand-written document so I could store it on my phone and have it available, along with the Bible on my e-reader app. Rediscovering it has brought great blessing, like a pool of light on a dark day.

Once again I felt able to connect with God and the words of some of the hymns I transcribed spoke to me deeply and I discovered a great release. One of my current primal moans is that I do not have a purpose. I sleep, travel, work, travel and sleep again without much digression from the daily grind. Energy and time seem limited and my actions have little earthly consequence. The words of the hymns reminded me that one purpose of mankind is to worship God. That I can do and not feel I should be doing something else.

So things are looking up now I have started to focussing on worshipping God rather than dwelling in my despair. I still have bad days but at least I feel there is a glimpse of hope in my spirit as well as my physical body.


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