The following posts were published in the UK in the Baptist Times as part of a series in 2006 under the title, ‘View From the Manse’. They were written to highlight some key issues experienced by those living with a church leader. Their main purpose was to encourage ministry couples and families that others faced similar circumstances. However, they also provided congregations an insight to how these seemingly insignificant situations can have a negative impact on ministry couples and families, especially when living in church-provided accommodation.
At the time, I received quite a few messages from minister spouses and some general church members that were supportive. Having been in contact with many ministry spouses since then, and from different denominations, it seems the issues have remained. Therefore, it seemed appropriate to make them public again. The Baptist Times has given permission to republish them. These articles remain under my copyright.
| Article Title | Topic | Date Published |
| Calling from the Goldfish bowl | First Public role | 27-Apr-06 |
| Home from Home | Manse upkeep | 04-May-06 |
| Buy One Get One Free | Church expectations | 11-May-06 |
| How does it make you feel? | Spouse Perspective | 18-May-06 |
| Accommodating Priorities | Visitors to the Manse | 25-May-06 |
| In the Know | Sharing Knowledge | 01-Jun-06 |
| Keeping Up Appearances | Being ourselves | 08-Jun-06 |
| Supporting Act | Appropriate support | 15-Jun-06 |
| Work, Rest and Play (Holidays) | Time off/Families | 22-Jun-06 |
| First Time Round | Getting Settled | 29-Jun-06 |
| Why Do We Do it? | Perspective of ministry | 06-Jul-06 |
| Family Business | Ministry Children | 13-Jul-06 |
Week 1 – Calling from the Goldfish Bowl
When we spoke with our minister about my husband seeking ministerial training, we were ready for all sorts of questions. Whether I was ready for a life in a goldfish bowl, was not one of them.
He warned us that congregations were likely to comment on all aspects of our lives from what we wear, or don’t wear, to how our families behave and what friends we make. My first reaction was he must be exaggerating. Surely churches are welcoming and supportive of their new minister and family? Our home church didn’t seem that bad, but then I had never talked to any of the ministers’ wives (perhaps another problem). Still, I decided not to get too upset about harmless chitter-chatter, after all I’d be new and they would be curious.
Later I thought back to when my husband was a part-time lay pastor, and I was only a part-time minister’s wife. I did not feel under the watch of the fashion police then but I did recall a conversation that attempted to influence my husband through me. Thankfully, I didn’t realise it at the time so it had no effect. Subsequently I decided to make it clear I don’t know what happens in leaders’ meetings, and now understand why ignorance is bliss.
Talking with other manse families since, it seems none of us were really prepared for the nature of the attention or intrusion we face, despite similar warnings. The reality of the effect that our spouses’ calling has on our lives has now hit home and we now accept that the curiosity and the less-than-subtle influences are not reserved for the first few months.
The danger with this tabloid-like interest is that it makes you want to retreat: so you keep your activities to yourself, to avoid unsupportive comments, and stop casual conversations, for fear of accusations of favouritism. What starts as a healthy distance can become a vast chasm between you and the fellowship. Of course, it can work the other way and spouses should be careful not to elevate themselves above the congregation. Finding a balance between being approachable yet not too vulnerable is likely to take a lot of time and prayer. It’s then you find being caught between a rock and a hard place isn’t just a good title for a worship song.
A sense of perspective is important and talking to someone outside of the local area can help. Remembering grace and mercy, and that congregations are only human, has its place too. Even the best people have their off day and one bad comment shouldn’t make them your sworn enemy from here on in. However, it would be nice not to worry about who’s watching what you buy in the supermarket or what size of underwear you hang on the washing line.
I still have a lot to learn about being married to someone in a public role. Perhaps I need to give Victoria Beckham a ring and she how she copes.
Published 27 April 2006
Week 2 – Home From Home
One of the biggest issues about being married to a minister must be living in the manse. Don’t get me wrong, it is a privilege to be provided with a house. It certainly avoids the cost of a mortgage being a deciding factor when considering a call to serve in a church. However, there are times when negotiating for world peace seems to pale into insignificance compared with a request for a new carpet.
It is true that some churches are affluent enough to redecorate the entire manse before a new minister arrives, while for others even the bill for removals is likely to stretch their finances to the limit. Whatever the church’s financial status, I don’t expect be kept in the lap of luxury. In fact, for me, the decoration of the manse is not the main issue. I’m more than happy to weald a paintbrush at a room of an offending colour without bothering the Treasurer. (Though I’m sure many churches think we spend all our time thinking of what to moan about next.) The key is actually how the property is managed and the relationship between the church and those who live there.
Unfortunately, this could be interpreted by the manse’s condition. A badly maintained property can give the impression that no concern is given to those living in the manse. It is easy, when you’ve spent most of your waking hours in the manse, to lose perspective but there is also the risk that a church can create an ‘out of sight; out of mind’ attitude and not appreciate the seriousness of any problems raised. It is easy to forget that the manse is an asset of the church and should be kept in good order. Indeed, there may come a time when the state of the manse may be the deciding factor for a potential new pastor and family.
Lines of communication are just as important as the drawing up of budgets. It could save a lot of frustration and, perhaps, even an unexpected interregnum. As with any tenancy agreement, it is good to know where the lines of responsibility are drawn. I wouldn’t expect to call a manse maintenance team out to change a light bulb, but neither would I expect myself or my husband to rewire the house. It’s also good to have a specific point of contact for arising problems with the manse and not leave it to the minister to squeeze in an awkward AOB in the Deacon’s meeting.
I’m sure we’re all happy to be realistic about what a church can afford and a five-year maintenance plan should pacify both treasurers and manse residents. Even then, these don’t have to be major renovations, after all you only have to look at TV property programmes to see the difference simple redecoration can make.
Any church claiming to be a warm and welcoming fellowship needs to remember charity begins at home. That may mean thinking about the living conditions in the manse.
Published 4 May 2006
Week 3 – Buy one get one free
Buy one get one free has become a popular offer in supermarkets in recent times, but the church has been expecting this from ministers and spouses for decades.
I was once told the story of a minister’s wife who felt her church expected her to organise and attend many of the church’s activities. The pressure became too much for her, so she went to the Local Area Representative for advice. He told her with Solomon-like wisdom, if you can’t do what they ask, you’ll just have to tell them to cut your wages. Of course she wasn’t paid any, but the church assumed she would do all these things just because she was the minister’s wife.
True, as a vocational job, a church minister has always had a high profile in the community. It was also common for his wife to be considered with a similar high regard and often she would be more than happy to oblige public responsibility. There have been great changes in society over the decades yet the church seems to want to hang on to the idea that the minister’s spouse is at its beck and call.
As more women, in general, are working these days, it’s not uncommon for women of the manse to have independent occupations, full or part-time. The increase of male spouses must also confuse believers of such long-held beliefs, not to mention those with long traditions of the spouse leading the Women’s Group.
This is not to say that manse couples should be lazy. Most church members take part in activities over and above paid employment and both ministers and spouses shouldn’t necessarily expect to be excluded from that responsibility of church membership. In the same way, they should be allowed to choose which they take part in, according to their gifting, as other members do. However, some of us feel that supporting our ministering spouses, and staying in the background, is the best gift we can exercise in a church.
There will be some who still wish to work as a pastoral twin-pack and there’s nothing wrong with that, if it is right for the church they are in. However, it’s not sensitive to blindly take over a responsibility that denies an existing church member the sense of worth they found in that role.
I struggle with the idea that I should do certain things because I am married to someone in a particular role. However, I recognise that occasionally it’s not something I can totally avoid. I expect it took Cherie Blair* a while to accept that too and it’s encouraging to know she still doesn’t always get it right. Hopefully, my failings won’t attract such public attention.
I hope that all church members will make an effort to reassess their expectations of a minister’s spouse and discuss with them what is reasonable. That way none of us will feel the unsaintly urge to mutter the acronym of the supermarket offer next time we’re asked to lead a meeting just because of who we are.
* Tony Blair was the current Prime Minister. His wife, Cherie, was often in the public eye, and not all of it was positive.
Published 11 May 2006
Week 4 – How does it make you feel?
When I attended a counselling course we were encouraged to use this phrase frequently. It’s a question that helps a client take a step back and reflect on how a particular situation affects them. Hopefully, then, they can find ways to make effective changes.
As counsellors we were also encouraged to reflect on our own situations. This was part of the reasoning behind writing from the Minister’s family point of view. Although there is a risk, that by raising certain issues, manse occupants are labelled with the reputation of doing nothing but complain. However, I hope that by airing such subjects, those affected can step back and reflect on why they feel that way. I also hope it will allow those in churches see what makes these situations difficult and then reflect on how the manse family can be support.
It is worrying that a few issues turn what we were convinced was a call from God into a hardship. The excitement of a new pastorate soon fades once the unpacking is finished and we settle to the routine of church life. When life isn’t as hunky-dory as we anticipated we start to ask, ‘Did we get the call wrong or have we not been obedient enough to receive blessings?’
Recently I was reading a Bible study on Deuteronomy 30 and 31. Moses passes the leadership baton to Joshua and God commissions Joshua for the journey into the Promised Land. However, God does not gloss over the fact there will be problems ahead and tells Joshua to be brave as it’s going to be a rough ride.
This story reminded me that one purpose of taking a step back is to examine our own attitudes. Joshua was under no illusion that his time in leadership was going to be easy, perhaps we shouldn’t either. It is important to find a church where our ministering partner can be effective in their ministry and we feel at home, but that doesn’t guarantee level paths and easy living just because God gives His blessing to be there. Perhaps like Joshua we should listen to God to understand the problems we will face as well as looking for the good times.
Counsellors can often see problems with a fresh pair of eyes. Similarly when we move to a church we’re already one step removed as we’re not caught up in the history that brought that fellowship to their current status. Any problems can seem more obvious and, therefore, more frustrating. We should be sensitive to that.
It’s often important in counselling to look at the individuals in a picture and not just groups. It’s easy to blame ‘the church’ when actually it’s only one or two people who rub us up the wrong way. Even then, remembering that they are humans like us, who don’t always get things right, can make a situation more bearable.
Reflective practice isn’t always easy but it can give a new perspective on things, whatever side of the manse fence you stand. It may even change how you feel.
Published 18 May 2006
Week 5 – Accommodating Priorities
Church houses come in all shapes and sizes, as do ministers and their families. However, the church often seems to assume that, even though the occupancy changes, the meetings held in the manse remain the same.
A manse may be big enough for a minister’s family to live in, but its suitability for meetings will depend on the layout. One friend shared the awkwardness of having to decamp to a bedroom with her young son while a meeting took place because there wasn’t another suitable room for her to use downstairs.
We, however, experience the opposite. We live in a large house and there are only two of us, and a cat. I can easily find somewhere to be comfortable while meetings or visits take place. In fact, as the church building is small and the manse is close by, I didn’t hesitate to offer two rooms for an expanding Sunday school to use. Besides it is nice to hear lively voices within the walls.
I have heard of some churches where no meetings are expected in the manse, but the manse is provided to assist the Minister in his ministerial and pastoral responsibilities. That’s how the Tax Man sees it and, to save incurring his wrath, it should be used for some church purposes.
Even with the availability of office space at the church, most ministers would work from the manse occasionally which should satisfy Mr TM in some capacity. I’m sure that even in a large church there’s bound to be one meeting or other that would benefit from being set in soft furnishings rather than hard plastic chairs.
Another issue about having meetings in the manse is people arriving at the manse door. We get very few visitors, despite being in a community where everyone knows which house belongs to the minister regardless of the proximity to the church. However, other manse couples we talk to seem to be inundated with a series of expected and unexpected visitors.
One friend dreads the Deacon’s meeting where people arriving early will let themselves in, oblivious to whether children are en route from the pre-bedtime bath or the pastor and spouse having an intimate moment in the kitchen. Although she also stated she wants people to feel the manse is a safe and welcoming place, so she’s not ready to totally bar the door.
Another friend feels even excess phone calls causes her stress. In researching for this column she told me, ‘it inevitably rings in that precious hour you’ve saved for yourself’. For that reason, I know quite a few have a separate line for church calls, and even then vet those using an answer machine, especially at mealtimes and late in the evening. Those times seem popular with people who want to discuss some trivial matter with our spouse.
The manse is church property, but it is also a home and this can cause tensions. As working from home becomes more common perhaps more people will appreciate the need to separate work time, and space, from family life.
Published 25 May 2006
Week 6 – In the Know
How much do you need to know to know what you don’t need to know? If you’re confused, join the club.
Living with the minister brings expectations that you know what he’s doing on a day to day basis. We both work from the manse so it’s not an unfair assumption. However, having both been in jobs involving confidential data it is second nature not to discuss each other’s work.
I often don’t even know who my husband has visited each day and certainly don’t know what topics were discussed. It can seem unusual denying knowledge about someone’s latest project or impending trip into hospital even though they’ve mention it to him. It may appear as if we don’t talk or I don’t care, but I simply consider it common courtesy to the relationship between pastor and congregation not to assume to be told. For me it is similar to the confidentiality expected in the GP’s surgery.
There are times when it would be helpful to know what was going on but it is a good discipline for me to assess the difference between general concern and idle gossip. In any case it is so much nicer to hear news personally rather than second-hand.
A minister’s wife told me she occasionally feels like an intermediary when people tell her something they clearly want her husband to know but try to just drop it casually into a conversation. A few even think that complaining to her about her husband is an acceptable way to get a message across. This makes finding friends in church harder, especially if you become aware of someone who expects influence or insider knowledge because of an association with the manse.
The same friend mentions problems with church meetings. She is not expected to contribute, either because her comments may be seen to have higher influence over the leadership or it is assumed she would discuss the matter at home. However, as an active member of her church, she wants to have a public voice in decisions that affect areas she’s involved in. If she speaks up in meetings she feels awkward when her views differ from the leadership. Although she explained, when possible, she does ask permission to disagree with her husband in meetings. That doesn’t stop her finding it testing to hear someone else criticising her husband in the meeting.
When my husband was a part-time lay pastor, seconded from our parent church, I wasn’t expected to take up dual membership as he had. This allowed me to act as an objective sounding board for him. That’s not so easy when we’re both committed to one church. There are still times when my husband needs to unload the emotions of a particular meeting. Even then I avoid knowing specific details. Whatever is shared I make efforts not to allow that to influence my relationship with the church and I would certainly not pass that information on to a third party.
I don’t know how much knowledge is too much, but what I do know is I take the responsibility of that knowledge seriously.
Published 1 Jun 2006
Week 7 – Keeping Up Appearances
I was so embarrassed. After we had an overnight guest, I turned back the duvet on the spare bed, to change the sheets, to find just the fleece under-sheet. Then I remembered weeks earlier I didn’t have time to wash the sheets after a previous guest, so I had just changed the duvet cover and covered the bed with a throw.
It was easy to cover up an unmade bed and it seems we’re just as good at covering up our untidy lives too. How many times in church have you heard someone respond ‘Fine’ when asked how they are? Perhaps they think that is the only acceptable answer.
When I attended a counselling course last year, and we identified mind traps that clients may find themselves in, it became apparent that my life was not as tidy as I had thought. As I reflected and prayed about it, I realised that over the years I had become very good at disguising who I was and even better at conforming to what others expected of me. At work I was outgoing and organised yet at home I was reserved and less structured.
As I started to distinguish between the real me and the masks I had put on, I realised how hard it would be to unpick all the assumptions others had built up about me. I thought about donning a cape and leaping out of a phone box declaring my new identity but that was more likely to induce a call to the men in white coats. In any case I expect before long I’d revert back into the habit of conforming.
The constraints I had allowed to shape my life started well before taking up residence in the manse. I’m not even convinced that manse dwellers suffer any more from masking feelings and personality traits, but expectations to conform in church seems rife. Parents expect children to behave, to avoid allegations about their parental skills, and it seems an absolute sin to admit to not being to cope with life. After all we’re Christians and surely holy people shouldn’t have problems!
I wonder why we build this false idea that we can’t let down our guard in church and show ourselves as we are: frail sinful humans gathered under the grace and mercy of God. Of all places the church should be where we are welcomed, warts and all, to be free to show failures and be supported to overcome them. We owe it to our spiritual and mental health to overcome this fallacy. We also owe it to those we witness to. No wonder people don’t come through the sanctuary doors when they think they will be judged and expected to keep untidy lives hidden.
We don’t fool God and, if we’re honest, we don’t fool ourselves either. We claim that other’s expectations cause us to be so messed up, but often the biggest barrier to casting off our masks is the expectation we inflict on ourselves. If we can learn to be real to ourselves then perhaps we can encourage others to do the same.
Published 8 Jun 2006
Week 8 – Supporting Act
‘One man’s dream machine is another’s heap of junk’ is a phrase I use whenever anyone dismisses my choice of car. Thinking about support for manse families it could translate into ‘one person’s set of helping hands is another’s interfering busybody’. While this eliminates a ‘one size fits all’ for supporting ministers’ spouses and their families it shouldn’t exclude ensuring support is available if required.
Identifying a need for support is not always easy. No two people have the same experience, or perceptions, and a circumstance one person finds demanding another will tackle with consummate ease. While there will be a few who don’t think that there are any additional pressures in simply living with the minister, and may even still believe the myth that the pastor only works on Sunday, there are those who make specific efforts to care for manse families. One friend, a daughter of the manse, told of one church member who would visit when her father, the pastor, was out. They would talk to her and her mother separately checking if there was anything specific they needed help with.
This approach, used politely and sensitively, is especially useful for those who are not good at asking for help or those who feel that everyone expects them to cope. It is worth bearing in mind that the relationship may take a while to build before someone feels able to fully express their needs. Also it may be necessary to accept that for some such an approach is not wanted.
I believe that one of the Devil’s subtlest, but greatest, weapons is to think that you are the only one with a particular problem. This is where peer support groups are useful. It can be very therapeutic to talk about shared feelings and find things that work well for others.
There are official spouse support groups set up by those serving within the Baptist Union of Great Britain (BUGB) and the Baptist Union of Scotland (BUS). For practical reasons it may be more appropriate to meet with the spouses from other denominations in your area. This may be a wider area for male spouses seeking mutual support.
Support doesn’t need to be confined to face to face contact. I keep in contact with friends made at college by telephone and email. I have even heard of chat room type forums on the internet. There are several books written on the subject, including the recently published ‘We’re in it Together’ written by Celia Bowring. If you know of any other good contacts you may wish to share it with others via the Baptist Times.
BUS recently issued a consultation document on models for good practice and pastoral care of pastors. This included proposals for support of spouses and families. This is very encouraging and I hope it will help many in ministry and in the manse. One of my previous employers attained the equivalent business benchmark known as ‘Investors in People’. What a glorious day when churches easily achieve this status.
Published 22 June 2006
Week 9 – Work, Rest and Play
Manse spouses commonly find themselves as a check and balance of their partner’s time off. It can be so easy for the minister to get caught up in the weekly activities of the church and forget needs within their own home.
Friends with families have told me holidays together and days away from the church are very important. This can be difficult when normal family holiday times such as Christmas and Easter are the busiest in the church calendar. Of course, taking these Bank Holidays at other times still have to fit within school holidays. Even individual days leave can be awkward for the minister as it often means less time to prepare for Sunday services and mid-week commitments.
For many manse families, finding money to get away can be hard. However staying at home makes it too easy for someone to phone or drop by with a problem and for the pastor to ‘just check on something’. So, regardless of how the manse family spend days off, it’s important it is respected by congregations.
Even with just two of you, it can be just as important to have quality time together. We made the mistake that, as we both work from home in the same room, we thought we spent enough time with each other. However, as we worked intently on our own projects, we seldom took time out to discuss general things. Once we realised this, we made the decision to take regular walks together during our lunch break. This now gives us time to talk to each other properly, and even plan our holidays, without the pile of work on our desks grabbing our attention.
It’s a real support to manse families when the church leadership ensures that ministers don’t over burden themselves with church activities, especially if they have a young family or have experienced a stressful situation.
I heard about one friend who had a series of funerals within a short period of time. His deacons arranged for him to have a short holiday, which allowed him to return to work refreshed and better able to serve the church. On the other hand, we know a handful of people who have experienced a personal trauma but were expected to carry on with church events regardless.
There are times when we all think we are indispensable and need to be told when to stop. When my husband first started preaching regularly, he once valiantly preached even though he had a stinker of a cold. After that I suggested he made a list of people he could call on last minute to rustle up an old sermon in case it happened again. Those people were all excited to be part of his emergency back-up team. It made him feel better, too.
All of these situations show how committed the pastor is to serving the church, and we want to support them in that, but please remember a dry pen doesn’t write a good sermon.
Published 29 June 2006
Week 10 – First Time Round
It’s that time of year when many ministerial students are preparing for the challenge of their probationary pastorates. It’s a daunting time for them but it can just as daunting for their spouses and families.
The prospective minister may have been grilled, or at least slightly toasted, by the church leaders or settlement committee. Then their preaching skills were probably marked out of ten and social skills analysed in great detail before the church decided to make the call. However this still means you may have been to the church only twice before your arrival. Although, if you have children, since then you have probably visited several times arranging school places.
Getting a feel for a new area and a new life can be difficult whatever your circumstances but when it’s based on a scant church profile and an overly jolly church meet and greet it hard not to feel apprehensive. Hopefully, as a spouse, you were made welcome at one of those meetings and given an idea of some of the church activities you would like to get involved in and whether there were specific opportunities to use your gifts.
The expectation of the church can be hard to assess in advance. One minister’s wife told me in some churches she’s been very involved and in others hardly at all. So hopefully people will understand if you take a while to decide your areas of involvement.
Many suggest the settlement process is like a matchmaking service. It could be a real love match but be prepared for the odd surprise, or shock, depending on how you feel about the spiritual equivalents of missing toothpaste lids and irregularly strewn socks.
Changing jobs, moving house and a new relationship are some of the most stressful situations we can face. Separation from the college community may also come as shock, so be prepared for an element of bereavement too. These are some of the reasons churches should understand that this is a tough transition for any manse household but especially for first-timers.
Finding your feet while your spouse is busy with meetings, visits and other introductionsisn’t easy. A library is a good place to start for local information and maps of the area. You may find subscribing to the local paper, even before you arrive, useful. However, a friendly face can make all the difference in a strange place. If you can find someone who will get alongside you, explain about local culture and help you find your way around, it is invaluable.
I know several churches that have new attendees’ welcome packs. Some only deal with church activities while others also include local information: shopping areas, schools, recreation options, doctors, dentists etc and even vouchers for local businesses. If there isn’t one, then perhaps you could keep the information you find useful in a folder and help create a pack to be taken round to other newly occupied houses in the area and be a friendly face for them.
A new ministry can be exciting as well as daunting. I hope it will remain exciting for many years to come.
Published 6 July 2006
Week 11 – Why do we do it?
You have to ask the question, “Why do we do it?”
Why do we support our spouses to leave secure, well-paid jobs to train for the ministry? Why do we struggle through college, proof-reading their essays and mopping fevered pre-exam brows? Why do we spend months pouring over settlement lists with our partners worrying whether a church will want them as minister? Why do we then move to a place we often don’t know to live with people we’ve only met a few times?
For me, that’s easy and is summed up in Psalm 84, verse 10, ‘Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.’ (NIV).
Ministry is hard work yet, once you know God’s will in your life, it’s hard to resist. It also comes with many blessings. Many I speak to say, although they have given up a lot,it is a definite privilege to serve God and they have received far more. One of my greatest joys is seeing people who feel shunned by society find a place to be loved.
Committing to ministerial training isn’t easy. For some, the financial pressure is a major problem. College fees are substantial and book bills can be surprisingly large. However, we were constantly encouraged by God’s provision during that time, especially by those who gave small amounts that we could assign to my husband’s book fund.
College can seem isolating for spouses as you miss out on the regular contacts with the college community the students have. You then wonder if it is worth investing any time in those relationships knowing you only have a few years together. However, I have been amazed how those tentative, and often fleeting, friendships have brought a rich seam of mutual support.
Settlement is wearing on patience and tyres but, when you connect with a fellowship, the wait is worth it. It is humbling to remember you are part of God’s plan for a congregation that wondered throughout their interregnum if anyone was willing to serve them. It’s then fulfilling to worship with strangers to realise you have a common love of the Lord and this is where God wants you.
When we marry, not many of us know our spouse will eventually become a minister. Their calling becomes apparent over time and working through that call with them helps us to feel part of it. Occasionally I was even given insight to the next step before my husband. It was challenging to pray patiently for him until he saw it for himself and it has been tremendous watching him grow in confidence in his preaching and general ministry.
Each step we take in making our call sure is part of learning to trust God and not ourselves. The search for a church confirms the gifts God gives and develops ones we didn’t think we had. Psalm 84 encourages and challenges me, but I really treasure verse 5, ‘Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.’
Published 6 July 2006
Week 12 – Family Business
Throughout this series I’ve sought others’ opinions and stories to add to my own experience. For the family view from the manse, I have relied totally on insights from friends and their children. Growing up is seldom easy but they shared specific problems with growing up in the manse.
Most manse households struggle with the expectation that pastors’ children should have saintliness installed at birth, or at their parent’s induction. Some have congregations that seem shocked if the pastor’s daughter, or son, screams their lungs out in a service, runs riot in the church buildings with their peers or gets into trouble at school.
Manse teenagers find the angst of developing their own identity more acutely than their peers. The age-old question, “You’re not going out wearing that, are you?”, is often heard at an even higher pitch at 10am on Sunday mornings for clothing not given a second glance at other times. Also the awkwardness of dating is no longer confined to two pairs of parental eyes and their opinions on suitability but is now magnified to include the whole congregation. A couple, now married and in ministry themselves, told of well-intended but embarrassing interrogations when he became the pastor’s daughter’s boyfriend (what a title!).
Fitting in at school often brings problems. Schoolmates may think being associated with a church means your sense of humour or adventure is removed and you won’t want to join in their activities. Other peers use this as an excuse to mark you out as different and then as a weapon to bully you with. Playing down this association is tricky when your pastoral parent pops in regularly to take assemblies.
I was interested to hear that teenagers missed having independent pastoral care. For one thing you can’t tell your minister you have problems with your parents, or vice versa. Even when youth leaders are available, there’s a reluctance to burden them with the responsibility of not letting something slip when socialising with the pastor.
Some of my friends feel younger ones miss out on parental attention. No 9-5pm means the parent may be around for school runs but evening meetings and Saturday engagements may mean little opportunity for fun family time. A young child may not understand why other people have priority, especially when they want help with a new Chemistry Set.
Money can also be an issue. The ministerial stipend is often stretched to cope with replacing clothes for quickly growing children. This means less money for fun times and makes it restrictive for children to attend facilities and events with friends.
Despite this, all I spoke to, including the children, have a genuine love for the people in their church. They also witness benefits from being part of an extended family where people remember birthdays or act as surrogate parents, looking after children occasionally to give manse parents a short break.
I felt privileged to be allowed to share their stories. I hope you’ll join me in the privilege of praying for manse families and trusting the children remember growing up in the manse as a blessing and not a curse.
Published 13 July 2006
Faith Bites 